Texana

The Texas Capitol is the nation's largest state capitol building, in terms of gross square footage. The top of the dome rises 310 feet, which is 15 feet higher than its federal counterpart in Washington. Construction began in 1882. It took more than 1,000 people—engineers, craftsman, contractors, and convicts—a little less than seven years to complete, at a cost of $3.7 million. It was dedicated on San Jacinto Day in 1888. Temple Houston, son of the legendary Sam Houston, accepted the building on behalf of the people of Texas. "The architecture of a civilization is its most enduring feature," he said. "By this structure shall Texas transmit herself to posterity."

Balance in the earth

God signed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly. he pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it 'Earth' and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of very great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor, the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over here is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's TEXAS! It is the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, sparkling clear rivers, streams and mountains. The people from TEXAS are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will also be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm surrounding them with in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana and New Mexico."

West Texas Humor

A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces."

A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever rain out here?" The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of rain a couple of weeks ago just a few miles north of here, but I was too busy and couldn't go."

The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater it once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."

A little brown hen once got caught in a West Texas sandstorm. She was flying through the air backward so fast that she laid the same egg three times.

It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.

It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the Methodists were spitting, and the Catholics were giving rain checks.

It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out of the ground using pot holders.

It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of water and it froze in midair and knocked a pup unconscious.

A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the wind blowing every single day?" The rancher said, "You just have to get used to it - learn to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens in the panhandle plumb fell over."

During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and applied for a loan. The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and inspect the property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary. Here it comes now."

Yankee: "Does the wind blow this way all the time?"
Texan: "No, sometimes it blows the other way."A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces."

A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever rain out here?" The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of rain a couple of weeks ago just a few miles north of here, but I was too busy and couldn't go."

The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater it once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."

A little brown hen once got caught in a WestTexa sandstorm. She was flying through the air backward so fast that she laid the same egg three times.

It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.

It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the Methodists were spitting, and the Catholics were giving rain checks.

It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out of the ground using pot holders.

It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of water and it froze in midair and knocked a pup unconscious.

A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the wind blowing every single day?" The rancher said, "You just have to get used to it - learn to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens in the panhandle plumb fell over."

During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and applied for a loan. The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and inspect the property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary. Here it comes now."

Yankee: "Does the wind blow this way all the time?"
Texan: "No, sometimes it blows the other way."

You know you're from Houston if...

• The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
• You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
• Everybody has a story of the Flying Roach the size of the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
• When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes; you know that he just stepped in a fire ant bed
• You're on your way to work one FEBRUARY morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses - with riders - and you look around to see that everybody in the trucks around you is wearing a cowboy hat.
• The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean bad screwdriver.
• "Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town.
• You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World.
• You come to work in short sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a "blue norther" has blown through and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees.
• Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations are a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp.
• You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Asian characters instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise.
• You go to an art festival and you're almost run down by handholding cross dressers on roller blades.
• You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window shop. (You can't afford to buy because the prices are jacked up for all the foreign tourists.)
• You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.
• You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.
• For a Chili Cook off, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped - not ground beef, and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes.
• Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year.
• Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south.
• You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your NEIGHBORHOOD.)
• You've never seen I-45 and I-10 in any condition other than under construction - and you've lived here for more than 30 years.
• You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with automobile transmissions.
• "The Dream" is not a fantasy.
• The only REAL Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
• A 747 with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it.
• You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. treasury.
• You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather they keep the title of "Smog Capital."
• You see nothing unusual about an eighty-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, iiiii-witness news" into a television camera every night. But some folks are still upset with him for shutting down the Chicken Ranch.
• If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a GOOD hair day.

TERRORISM-WHAT IS THAT?

Osama has probably seen 100 degree plus summers in Afghanistan, but he doesn't have fire ants to go with it. If he did he wouldn't be sleeping on the ground in his cave.

He talks of pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us. He doesn't know what pain is until he gets kicked by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain.

Germ warfare? Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lyme disease, blister beetles kill your horse, green bugs destroy a wheat crop, and termites eat your house. Anthrax has killed Texas cattle for over 125 years. What's new? Our prairie dogs carry that.

We have rattlesnakes, copperheads, and water moccasins. Ho-hum.

They talk of gas and biological warefare. They have never pulled in behind a cattle truck while it's raining, or ridden in the front seat of a pick-up between two cowboys after they just eaten a big bowl of Texas Red.

Texas ain't for sissies!

We have posted signs all over the state that say "Don't mess with Texas!"

Osama, consider yourself warned!

TEXAS PRIDE

Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Hell yes you have. Look at Texas for me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt, and he'll know what it is.

What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You'll get it maybe after a second, but who else would? Even if you do does it ever stir any feelings in you? In every man, woman and child on this little rock the Good Lord put us on, there is somewhere in them a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride in a pickup. Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow... so you're from Ok-la-homa. Cool. Tell me about it"?

There is some bit of Texas in everyone. Do you know why?

Because Texas is Texas. Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves but stayed.

We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and Bowie and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself.

That is Texas.

Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto.
Texas is Juneteenth and Texas Independence Day.
Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett National Forest.
Texas is breathtaking mountains in Big Bend.
Texas is shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.
Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork.
Texas is Mexican food like nowhere in the world, even Mexico.
Texas is larger-than-life legends like Willie Nelson and Buddy Holly, Earl Campbell and Nolan Ryan, Denton Cooley and Michael DeBakey, Lyndon Johnson, & George Bush.
Texas is great companies like Dell Computer and Compaq.
Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops.
Texas is skies blackened with doves and leases full of deer.
Texas is the best Bar-b-que anywhere.
Texas is a place where cities shut down for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football and the streets are deserted during church.
Texas is beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies.

If it isn't in Texas, you don't need it. No one does anything bigger or better.

By federal law Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, or California, or Maine, and your state flag, whatever the hell it is, goes at 17. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in Longview at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at 20 feet. Do you know why? Because we place being a Texan as high as being an American down here. Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in D.C. We signed those in as part of the deal when we came on.

That's the best part right there. When we came on, Texas was its own country. The Republic of Texas.

All of that makes you proud to be a Texan.

TEXAS WISDOM

• Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.

You are 100% Texan if:

• You use the phrase "fixin' to" daily.
• Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
• You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."
• You can properly pronuouce the towns "Mexia" and "Mesquite."
• You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
• You know the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
• You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
• When you hear a tornado siren, you go outside and look for a funnel.
• Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
• Your aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
• A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol, but a Ford F350 4X4 is.
• You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
• You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

"You wanna Coke?"

"Yeah."

"What kind?"

"Dr. Pepper."

You Know you are a Texan, because,

1. You've never met any celebrities.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
5. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
6. You measure distance in minutes.
7. You know several people who have hit a deer.
8. Your school classes were canceled because of rain.
9. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
10. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
11. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" and then back to heat" in the same day.
12. You find 90 degrees "a little warm."
13. You have run your AC on Christmas Day in order to have a fire in your fireplace.
14. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.
15. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
16. You only own 4 spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Picante sauce.
17. You think of the major 4 food groups as beef, pork, beer, and peanuts.
18. You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself.
19. You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour water (a delicacy known as "biscuit n' gravy"). Mmmm
20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda or a cola or a pop-it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
22. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
23. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
24. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
25. Going to Walmart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' wal-martin'"
26. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
27. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
28. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
29. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
30. You carry jumper cables in your car.
31. You use fix as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
32. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
33. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
34. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
35. You think slinky lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
36. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
37. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. (Watch out for poison oak.)
38. You know if another Texan is from southern, middle or northern Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

Living in Texas

All the following points are true:

1. Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air
2. Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep"
3. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
4. There are 10,000 types of spiders. 10,001 live in Texas.
5. Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
6. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
7. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
8. Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
9. There are valid reasons some people put constatine wire around their house.
10. You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
11. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
12. The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally.
13. Onced and Twiced are words
14. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
15. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
16. Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
17. Coldbeer is one word.
18. People actually grow and eat Okra.
19. Texans really don't have an accent.
20. When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
21. Green grass DOES burn.
22. When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
23. The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
24. When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.
25. Fixinto is one word.
26. A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation.
27. Backards and Forards means I know everything about you.
28. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
29. And the most important thing - there's no place I'd rather be than Texas!

Local Call

He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.

As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering church in Austin, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in Texas now, it's a local call."

Advice for Newcomers to Texas

• Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
• Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
• If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.
• Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
• Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
• If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
• If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
• Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'Il August."
• There are no delis. Don't ask.
• In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.
• Chili does NOT have beans in it.
• Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven.
• Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
• If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.
• We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
• A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is (or for some of you an F-350)
• If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.
• If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.
• Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.
• If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.
• Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'margarita.'
• If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.
• The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
• If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull on tothe shoulder that is called "courtesy".
• BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hotdogs outdoors.
• No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
• "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
• Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

Texan in Heaven

The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise."

St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter

The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."

Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"

The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."

Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.

The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".

At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down. As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door open, it revealed the fires of damnation - Hell. St. Peter said "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"

The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."

The Republic of Texas and the election of 2000

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
NASA in Houston, Texas (we will control the space industry).
We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it). The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.
Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.
Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. Al Gore will figure a way to keep them warm....
Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc,Etc. The list goes on and on.
Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, and other large health planning centers.
We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT, Texas A&M, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway.
We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more.
We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.
In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple of Texas Rangers.
We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Gore:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Gore will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Gore has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Just a few notes on REAL election results:
Total Counties won by Bush: 2,434 Total Counties won by Gore: 677
Population of counties won by Bush: 143 million.
Population of counties won by Gore: 127 million
Square miles of country won by Bush: 2,427,000
Square miles of country won by Gore: 580,000
States won by Bush: 29
States won by Gore: 19

And an even more remarkable finding....
Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Bush: 0.1
Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Gore: 13.2

Researchers found one more interesting fact that might help explain these disparate murder rates. Gun ownership in the counties won by Mr. Bush is much higher than in the counties won by Mr. Gore.

Signed, The People in Texas

West Texas visited by aliens

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!"

But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him!"

Visitors in Texas (this ain't funny)

The tourist jumps to his feet and yells, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says, "I'm awful sorry ma'am. I didn't know we was a takin' turns!!

Rules to Enter Texas: 

Applies to each person as they enter Texas. Learn 'em & remember 'em.

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are pigs, cattle &oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish &crawdads. You really want sushi &caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Pace Picante Sauce.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, it will get your butt whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said: "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."