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THE RULES

1. THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.
1. The rules are subject to change at any time without notice.
2. No male can possibly know all the rules. Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.
3. If the female suspects the male knows any of the rules, she may immediately change any or all of the rules.
2. THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG.
1. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
2. If rule #2a applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
3. THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME.
4. THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.
1. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
2. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
3. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
5. ANY ATTEMPT BY THE MALE TO CHANGE ANY OF THESE RULES COULD RESULT IN SEVERE BODILY HARM.

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YOU MIGHT BE AN AGGIE IF... 

0. you cannot find a significant other at school because everyone is either engaged, in a relationship, or very religiously inclined. 
1. you think that the national anthem begins with "Goodbye to Texas University..." 
2. you think that a seat cushion means a comfortable pair of shoes. 
3. your idea of a good time is mugging on Kyle Field and humping logs on a Sunday. 
4. you could swear that you've met Forrest Gump at the Chicken. 
5. you think that ring dunking is a graduation ceremony. 
6. you think that Aggiebucks are the national currency. 
7. you are still bitter about Reveille being stolen. 
8. you have ever forgotten what "hello" means. 
9. you think Sul Ross was the first president of the United States. 
10. you believe that Aggie Bonfire is the first day of the calendar year. 
11. you swallow goldfish at Howdy Camp...and like it! 
12. you honestly get peeved when a man, especially one in uniform, doesn't hold a door open for you. 
13. you've dated a quad queen. 
14. you think Big 12 refers to a 12-pack of beer. 
15. when someone tells you goodbye, you say, "Gig 'em!" 
16. you think the Batt is an Aggie Flyswatter. 
17. you'd enjoy being called a Buttpot. 
18. you think corps block has a street address. 
19. you've taken a date down Bottlecap Alley. 
20. you've ever been swimming in fish pond. 
21. you Whoop when you hear the word "RELOAD". 
22. you spontaneously "Whoop" for no reason. 
23. you know what's in the outhouse. 
24. you know that good bull is not a thick steak. 
25. you think Kyle Field is one of the Seven Wonders of the World. 
26. you don't think #11 is hazing. 
27. your idea of camping out for football tickets includes a VCR and a couch. 
28. you didn't realize there are any other universities in Texas. 
29. you know a cowboy who rides a bicycle. 
30. you're proud of your grodes. 
31. you think it's admirable to pretend to be an elephant. 
32. you think Robert Earl Keen would make the best Republican presidential nominee. 
33. your study group meets at the Chicken. 
34. your idea of U.V. protection is a cowboy hat and a pair of Wranglers. 
35. Kyle Field is your Graceland. 
36. you think Bevo would make good brisket. 
37. a T-sip tells you an Aggie joke and you don't get it. 
38. after selling your books back you feel like you have been cheated. 
39. you have a hat for those special occasions. 
40. you think hazing is an intramural sport. 
41. you think polishing a statue is a weekly chore. 
42. you salute a collie. 
43. you have ever slept in Bottlecap Alley. 
44. you have ever brought a flame-thrower to Midnight Yell. 
45. you think a boot is something you have to christen. 
46. you can have a date every night and never leave the quad.

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I'm a Child of the Eighties  

    I am a child of the eighties. That is what I prefer to be called. The nineties can do without me. Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer. When I got home from school, I played with my Atari 2600. I spent hours playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge'em Cars or Frogger. I never did beat Asteroids. Then I watched "Scooby Doo." Daphne was a Goddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of their psychedelic van. I hated Scrappy.

    I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played army with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and Decepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows and Velveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube.

    I got up on Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman," and "Space Ghost." In between I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction junction, what's your function?")

    On weeknights Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld the doors shut? At the movies the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming up with the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there is another."

    Ronald Reagan was some old guy. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in Moscow. My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico and collected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.) My sister and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel we found creative uses for Connect Four pieces like throwing them in that big air conditioning unit.

    I listened to John COUGAR Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for Jack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his dreams, red, gold, and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "You Can't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Head of the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow.

    I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore, and bacon had to move over for something leaner.

    My mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunch box, and filled my Snoopy Thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would never eat the snack cakes, though. Did anyone? I got two thousand cheese and cracker snack packs, and I ate those.

    I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday. Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair with the working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about music and plants. They just loved Beethoven.

    Field day was bigger than Christmas, but it always managed to rain just enough to make everybody miserable before they fell over in the three-legged race. Where did all those panty hose come from? "Deck the Halls with Gasoline, fa la la la la la la la la," was just a song.

    Burping was cool. Rubber band fights were cooler. A substitute teacher was a baby-sitter/marked woman. Nobody deserved that.

    I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don't remember ever doing anything. Half of your friends' parents got divorced. People did not just say no to drugs. AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer. Somebody in your school died before they graduated.

    When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it.

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'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE FINALS

'Twas the night before finals when all through the dorm
Not a creature was stirring, and that was abnorm;
The scantrons were hung by the backpacks with care
In hopes that the knowledge soon would be there;
The overachievers were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of 4.0s danced in their heads;
But I with my No-Doz and a baseball cap
Was absolutely positive I didn't know crap;
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter;
Away to my Nikes I flew like a flash,
Grabbed hold of my wallet and what remained of my cash.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
But my friends (all jackasses) and a large keg of beer
With a shiny old tap and a pump so quick,
I knew in the morning I'd surely be sick.
But back to reality and my senses I came
I remembered my classes and called them by name:
"Now Econ! Now Bana! Now Neuropsychopharmacology!
On Physics! On History! On Paleobiology!"
So up to the top of the library I flew
With a bag full of books, and a Snickers bar too.
And then in a twinkling it was time for the test
You've heard the beginning, now here comes the rest.
As I reached for my pencil and was turning around
Down to the podium the prof came with a bound;
He was dressed all in tweed from his head to his feet
With a touch of polyester to make it complete;
A bundle of tests he had flung on his back
Some called him a doctor, but I preferred "quack."
He had a nice briefcase, but his shoes looked homemade
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my grade;
The notes I had borrowed, and the book I had read
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
I spoke not a word, but went straight to my exam
And despite what they tell you, it does pay to cram;
So listen up kids, as your finals loom near,
Give them respect, but don't give them fear;
And remember, if the time for studying seems less,
The procrastinators best friend is the educated guess;
So hear me exclaim as I rhyme out of sight
"Your finals aren't tomorrow, so have a good night!"

- Mason Jackson
Senior marketing major
The Battalion

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Dave Barry on Colleges

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

• Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
  
  
• Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.

This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

1. ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
   
   
2. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
   
   
3. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
   
   
4. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

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Deep Thoughts...

 Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind".   Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".   What do these words mean?   It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.      Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."

      If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?"   "No, I'm sorry.   That's as far as it shoots."

      Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?   And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.   And also, you're drunk.

      If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

      Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

      I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

      If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

      It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.   And I guess that's what I like about it.   It's easy.   Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

      As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life.   Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?   Sometimes it seemed that way.

      I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.   And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

      I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

      Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

      What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

      Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

      During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

      If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

      When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

      I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

      Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

      Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

      If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

      If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

      Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

      If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

      One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

      If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

      Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

      Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

      For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

      It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

      Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

      We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

      Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

      You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

      I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

      In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

      I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

      Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?

      If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

      Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!

      I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

      If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

      Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

      Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

      I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

      I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

      If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

      The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

      If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

      When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

      It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

      One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

      A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

      Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

      I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

      If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

      I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

      Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

      Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

      The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

      I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

      I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

      Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

      I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

      I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

      I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

      The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

      I'd rather be rich than stupid.

      If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

      If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward

      I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

      When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

      To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

      What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

      I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

      To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

      As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

      Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

      If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

      Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

      If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

      If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

      If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

      I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

      Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

      He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

      The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

      If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

      Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

      As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

      If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

      Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

      We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

      I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

      As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

      If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

      Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

      If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

      When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

      Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

      The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

      When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

      Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

      Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

      I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

      Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

      If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

      If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

      Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

      I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

      I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

      I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

      If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

      I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

      Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

      I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

      It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

      If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

      I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

      The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

      Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

      The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

      Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

      I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

      I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh?

      A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke

      I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

      Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

      I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

      If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

      I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

      If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

      I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

      Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though

      I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

      I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

These are cute and worth the time to read them:

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    From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were

asked to imitate 'Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.'

=======================================================

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get

buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5

I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake.  As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.  Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes.  I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?  Age 15

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be.  Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 11

I gaze at the brilliant full moon.  The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.  Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.  I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution.  I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.  They  gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 15

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